Porthcurno - the source of the internet
Lost Limericks of Cornwall
There once was a vicar of Bude
whose preaching was practically rude
He said love thy neighbour
then show us the flavour
by posting it all to Youtube.
There once was a Cornish translator
whose deadlines got later and later
She said people respect me
cos I do things so dreckly
and my fees just get greater and greater.
Cornwall's Air Ambulance chopper
rescues many who have come a cropper
It soars through the air
bringing rescue and care
propelled by your silver and copper.
There was a sweet bride of Lelant
whose gown was remarkably scant
She sailed up the aisle
wearing only a smile
and leaves from a cann*bis plant.
There was a strong man of Liskeard
whose passion was feasting on chard
He said let all creatures be,
you can thrive just like me
with no animals in the farmyard.
A beardless young lad on the Lizard
sought spells from a deaf local wizard
O make me more male
sadly sounded like snail
So into the sunset he slithered.
There was a rich merchant of Newlyn
who fancied some April first foolin.
He dressed up as a fish
lay down in a dish
and the cat ate him up with much mewlin.
There was a large goose at Polgigga
whose eggs just grew bigger and bigger
they sat in the road
and couldn't be towed
and had to be fetched with a digger.
There was a young lass of Porthcurno
who jilted a man from Tregurno
This didn't end well
for as you can tell
he told her to go to inferno.
There was a smart lady named Nora
who owned a damp cave at Porthgwarra
It was let out each week
to posh tourists who seek
authentic Poldarkian squalor.
There was a strange man of Porthgwarra
whose dwelling was really a horror
In a cave full of bats
he gobbled up rats
and rotting old fauna and flora.
A creaking old crone of Redruth
had but the one single tooth
when eating soft food
she lifted her mood
by soaking it all in vermouth
There was a wild man of Roskestal
who brandished a mortar and pestle
Any tourist who moans
I'll grind down their bones!
he growled as he gnawed on raw gristle.
There was an old goat at Rospletha
who fancied a roll in the heather
he chased after a filly
who said Oh you silly
You'll never get loose of your tether!
There was an old Miss of Skewjack
whose systems were easy to hack.
She cried out "Oh damn
I'm sending out spam,
and the others are sending it back!"
A feckless young lass in St Buryan
In kitchen was constantly hurrying
She poisoned her man
While making a flan
by popping the packet of curry in.
There was a good wife of St Buryan
whose days were all taken with worrying
she kept washing her hands
and scouring the pans
and sending the viruses scurryin.
There was a big man of St Erth
who displayed a remarkable girth
When his wife said stop eating
he said don't go bleating
I only eat worms from the earth.
There was a famed beastie of Bodmin
pursued by the hunters and odd men
'Twas but a con
a man with costume on
who said "They can't catch me so sod them!"
There once was a swimmer at Treen
who terribly wished to be seen
he strolled around nude
but those who had viewed
cried wrinkles are better unseen!
There was a good nurse at Treliske
who feared viruses were quite a risk
When she took them to task
for providing no mask
they said beat them off with a whisk.
There was a young fop of Trevilley
whose clothes were fantastically frilly
he looked cutting edge
but got caught in a hedge
and cows chewed him down to his w*lly.
There once was a person named Boris
who functioned quite like an old Morris
steering was nil
but went fast downhill
so into the scrapyard sped Boris.
There once was group called G7
who thought they were ruling in heaven
while lounging at ease
they were spreading disease
and destroying the lives of their brethren.